The Fine Art of Ghost Hunting

October is the spooky month, when the first report cards are sent home to terrify parents.  The temperatures are dropping into comfortable-almost-chilly.  And ghost hunting becomes the local past time, at least until it becomes too cold.  Too cold for the people, I mean.  Not the ghosts.  I imagine that ghosts are beyond being irritated by mere temperatures.  

"I feel sorry for famous ghosts," my son says.  When he mentioned that, I had to agree. I watch a lot of ghost hunting shows. Ghost hunters are all over the place, demanding that Lizzie Borden "speak" or Wyatt Earp "turn on this flashlight" if he wants everyone to leave.  Of course, no one ever actually leaves when a ghost says to leave.  Why bother to ask?  

I understand that people want to know about ghosts. I understand that somebody needs to capture the next big video of a ghost on camera.  I believe that there are things that happen that I can't explain, but I'm not going to say that there is no explanation. But with ghost hunting, as in all things, there's a right way, and a very wrong way.  

1. Be respectful.  A very wise man once said that if you come before the king, you best come correct.  That is true with ghosts.  Most of these spirits are way older than the people "hunting" them.  In their day, young whippersnappers were supposed to respect their elders.  No sassing.  Some of these ghosts that people are looking for were noblemen, and they don't care whether you believe in the monarchy.  They expect to be treated as they were when they were alive, and they aren't going to spend the energy to appear to a bunch of disrespectful youngsters running amok in their house.  

2.  Speak their language.  Hey, did you know that Germans who lived in Munich in the 1800s did not speak English?  Yes.  They spoke German.  Yet here I am, watching these ghost hunting shows, and these guys are speaking English where English is not the language of the household.  Even Ghost Adventures, where Zak has mentioned that he understands Spanish, does not have anyone asking questions in Spanish, only English.  How can you coax a Spanish ghost out of hiding and onto camera?  Speak Spanish to them!  Otherwise they will just say, "Oh it's that crazy gringa again!" and go back to whatever ghosts do to pass the time.  Also, because it's Dia de las Muertas soon, wouldn't it make sense to build an ofrenda with all the treats so the unattached ghosts have somewhere to feel loved?  Or is that just me?  

3. DO.NOT. POKE. THE. GHOSTS.  Seriously. If you want to see a ghost, great, there's no reason to be a jerk about it. You don't have to be submissive, but aggressive is never a good idea when hunting things that you can't see.  Emphasis on not being able to see what you are taunting.  The attempt is made to provoke a reaction, I get it.  However, since there's no way of actually knowing WHAT is in the room with you, why would anyone do that? You THINK it's a ghost, but it could be an interdimensional being who has had enough of your nonsense.  Also, haven't you seen ANY horror films?  The one who taunts, the one who rolls their eyes, is usually dead pretty quickly.  Don't be that person. 

4. Ghosts were people, not circus animals.  Don't show up at their house expecting to see an episode of Ghost Ninjas.  "Hey, if you're a ghost, go over and smack Shane upside the head, then go into the kitchen and make me some cookies."  See number 1 above.  Unless the ghost is of Julia Child, she's not about your cookie obsession.  What would ghost cookies taste like, anyway?  I guess they would be no calorie, but likely tasteless, but you would have to sit there and eat EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cookies, because Julia Child doesn't suffer fools.  If she makes you some cookies, you WILL eat them and love them.  

The main point of ghost hunting is to hang out with your weird friends and see what is out there in the dark.  More power to all of you, I would be terrible at it.  Newbies, perhaps read this post before you head to the Island of the Dolls in Mexico, and behave accordingly.  Good hunting.