Prompt: This week, we’d like you to take an honest look in
your toolbox and pull out one of the tools you believe needs a little
polishing. You could practice dialogue or character development,
narrative description or setting, plot advancement or denouement. I
think that I have a weakness in narrative description; I was trying to
be more sensory here. I tend to want to get right to the meat, and skip
the set up. I'm also going to step out of first person, just because
that is my comfort zone. Eeek!
As always, concrit is extremely appreciated!
Zenna woke up slowly, feeling the unfamiliar warmth
surrounding her and snuggling into it until her back became painfully
aware of the hardness of the floor beneath her. Her abdomen fluttered
in protest, the baby inside of her demanding movement. Absently, her
palm rubbed small circles on her already protruding belly in a calming
gesture. She took a deep breath, and the rich aroma of cinnamon,
vanilla, sandalwood, and something unfamiliar filled her lungs. Zenna
blinked.
And as her eyes opened, they were pulled upward to what should
have been the darkness of the ceiling. Yet light was reflected off of
even the tiniest speck of gypsum or quartz above her. Zenna was stunned
by the intense beauty. It was as if the entire roof of the cavern had
been removed and all the stars in the sky were streaming their light at
her.
It was also overwhelming; she closed her eyes again
quickly and turned her head away. She may not know where she was, but
she was very certain that she did not want to vomit.
Eyes still closed, Zenna sat up, gingerly, stretching to
ease the dull pain in her back. She crossed her legs in front of her. A
light breeze whispered over her skin and ruffled her hair. She smiled;
it had almost sounded as though a large pair of wings had just stirred
the air into movement.
"Welcome to my home, Zenna Boones-mate," a rich voice resonated in the cavern. "And welcome to your children, as well."
Ooooooh, interesting....more,please.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. I usually skim the descriptive narratives but this one engaged me.
ReplyDeleteYou did very well, I wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I was immediately reminded of The First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant. I think it may just be the "Zenna Boones-mate" at the end. Your words flow smoothly, even in the third person in which you claim to be uncomfortable. Well done!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. I feel like this is part of a much bigger story line... it seems like I've read something that goes along with it before too. Which tells you that I'm a bad follower and haven't been around much lately.
ReplyDeleteI love her story, and the rich sensory in this was just wonderful. I could see and smell the cave, feel the hard floor, almost reached for my own tummy. I am not a fan of sci-fi but you are making me one my friend. I am enjoying this plot and storyline very much.
ReplyDeleteI love her story, and the rich sensory in this was just wonderful. I could see and smell the cave, feel the hard floor, almost reached for my own tummy. I am not a fan of sci-fi but you are making me one my friend. I am enjoying this plot and storyline very much.
ReplyDeletevery intrigueing - I love the description of the cave, it sounds beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI love the juxtaposition of the etherealness in the description of the cave and the very real, almost mundane, statement in the third paragraph: "...but she was very certain that she did not want to vomit." It immediately recentered the focus on Zenna, and her solidity, if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteVery nice description. Love the smells you chose to describe the surroundings as well. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI think what I like best about this is that only slowly does the world come into focus upon waking. First one feeling, then another, then a different sense wakes up, etc. I think this was really well-done!
ReplyDeletedum dum duuummmmm...oooh, bad things a rising :)
ReplyDeleteI loved the description, it really placed me in the cave with Zenna. The idea of the crystals in the cave reflecting light like stars seems so magical. How perfect for a story involving dragons :)
The descriptions are beautiful, particularly the roof of the cavern. I love the comparison to the stars.
ReplyDeleteI'm coming in with my google account because for some reason it won;t let me use my wordpress or open Id.
YOu know I write at My Write Side though.
If this is your writing weakness, I'd love to see your strength. Love the sensory details and how you made me feel like I was in the cave.
ReplyDeleteThe only concrit I have is with the sentence:
"She smiled; it had almost sounded as though a large pair of wings had just stirred the air into movement. "
I like the idea of air stirred by wings, but the sentence is awkward. Everything else is perfect. Great work!
It's nice to see you focus on the sensory details in this, especially as "trudgingthroughfog" mentions, the physical reaction of nausea. It's sensory and grounding all at once.
ReplyDelete