My Dad Has Dementia

It is time for school to begin.  My husband and I, at our different employment areas, are back preparing to open the doors to students this week.  My son is preparing to take his driver test so he can drive himself to school his senior year. (When did that happen? I need to lie down a moment.)

But my father has dementia.  It's an affliction that older people get. The brain starts to focus on activities such as walking and not so much on remembering. My dad was born a few days after Pearl Harbor, was in Vietnam, left the military after 28 years and worked in the medical field for almost twenty more years before he finally hung up his white coat.  He said that his intention was to pester my mother. He has achieved that goal.  They are both in their 80s, but my mother has her bowling teams, and she has her errands to run, and the house to clean, and laundry, etc. What she has been doing her entire life. Her routine, now that she does not have children in the house, has been a well-oiled machine with nary a hiccup, just how she likes it.   

My dad does not have a bowling league. He does not have errands to run. He just sits. He did try to clean the house to help my mom, but he didn't complete the task correctly and was shooed away. As I said, my mom has a routine.  My father did like to complete woodworking tasks, such as creating bookshelves and entertainment centers made of Oak that will survive a nuclear explosion and put your back out if you try to move it. But when he had his heart valve replaced, that all seemed to go away due to the long recovery.  All that equipment sits now, covered with dust and a few deceased wasps. My dad used to like to work in his garden and spent a lot of time outside, but now he "falls down out there". He says that he is watering every day, but the condition of the plants tells the story.

My dad used to pick up my son from school.  He would get into his humongous Ford 350 truck, roll down his windows and play old-timey country music very loud while in the car pool lane, because he enjoyed annoying people (his words).  Then he started to get lost while driving, so he was only allowed to drive around the block and secretly buy beer for homeless people.  My mother wanted to know why my dad didn't buy food for them, but he said that it was his money, so she let it slide.  Except when my dad was talked into driving one of those homeless people to his house over by Mission Concepcion, and he didn't know how to get back home. My brother "borrowed" Nelly the truck, and it sits in his driveway now.  My mother drives both of them.  For now.   

What my dad LOVES to do right now is talk to people. When we go out to eat on Sundays, my dad stops at every table to say hi and to tell a joke or two.  Most individuals are gracious and accommodating while my father tells one of the two jokes he remembers, and stands there while they try to make small talk in return.  Both of his jokes are slightly off color, so there's always a chance that someone will be offended.  My father is no longer allowed in one of the local libraries, for example, to my mother's horror. When I try to get him to move along so we can sit down, he gets irritated with me and tells everyone that I am "no fun".  I agree with him.  It is no fun chasing your dad around like he's a toddler who has wandered into the kitchen and wants the treat of someone's attention.  And he won't remember any of it ten minutes later. 

It has been hard watching my dad.  The guy I used to go to for answers about everything (because he was Dad, and dads know everything) doesn't remember my name. He doesn't remember a lot of names.  He does remember that I am his daughter, and that will have to do for now.  We could all wear nametags or buy shirts with our names on them, but given the number of people in the family and their fashion preferences, there might be a brawl. Fortunately we all live close to one another. My brother has started to come over more to visit my parents, and we have spent time over there during the summer talking, sitting, and walking with my dad so my mom can go to church and have a little respite.  They've installed cameras and alarms, so that my mom knows when my dad decides that he is going for a walk and leaves the house.  And we have spoken to my mom about options for her to consider, such as hiring a caregiver to help her.  She's the decision-maker now.  

Chickens Will Come Home to Roost

I finally got my doctorate.  

I wish that I could tell you that it was easy.  Certainly some aspects were simply a matter of taking the coursework and completing the assignments.  That part was pretty cut and dry, rinse and repeat. No, the difficult part was the writing of the document.  I consider myself a pretty decent writer, and I write educational evaluation reports almost every day.  The writing wasn't an issue, it was the review of my writing by other people that was hard.  What was perfectly clear and easily understandable to me was not that way to other people.  That part was humbling and stressful and yes, I did want to just give up several times because I was also working a full time job and taking care of my family.  

But I did not quit, and now I am done.  

Of course, now I have to pay back my student loans, like a good citizen. I don't mind this--I took out the loans, I will pay it back.  I did apply for the forgiveness program, since I have spent all of my work life working in public schools, and we will see if that goes through.  Right now, nothing is happening, because there are idiots who just automatically sue every time someone might get a fair deal somewhere.  I don't understand it, since it costs the states a ton of money to sue the federal government, and it costs the federal government a ton of money to fight the suit, and in the end the only people who get paid are the lawyers.  The bottom line is that I am in student loan limbo until all of that gets solved. Chickens will come home to roost, after all, so the government gets paid.  

But I have my doctorate, and that's a good thing.  

How are all of you?

Get Ready to Get Older

 Yes, it's 2024.  I keep having to remind myself, which is funny, considering that I don't write checks these days.  Yes, I am still working on my doctorate, but the end zone is in sight.  Turns out that writing a doctoral thesis is more time consuming than previously thought.  

But enough about me.  

My parents are getting older.  They're still spry, but they're slower these days.  My mother-in-law, on the other hand, has not been so good. She spent about a month in the hospital with pneumonia, and long story short, she can no longer take care of herself.  Or her dog. Luckily, a friend was able to find a new home for the dog.  

This was unexpected, to say the least, and I have learned all sorts of new information. Mother-in-law wasn't always able to make decisions for herself, yet decisions had to be made.  It would have been nice if plans had been made for this type of situation, but they weren't.  That does not mean that someone my age cannot sit down and plan for them.  

First of all, who has power of attorney for you?  This is a very important document; it give permission for another person to make decisions for you when you are unconscious or otherwise incapacitated.  It can be a document that is notarized, or it can be something you scrawl on the back of a takeout menu.  The person with POA can be your spouse or another relative, and should ideally be aware of your wishes on a variety of topics, such as organ donation.  

Next, what happens if you can no longer live independently?  Some individuals choose to stay at home with a 24/7 caregiver, but let's be realistic, that will eat through the money pretty quickly.  If you need to live in a nursing home, and you expect Medicare to pay for it, then you may want to talk to a lawyer or accountant and get everything set up BEFORE you get to that point.  The latest trend here is group homes for seniors.  Four elderly folk living in an actual home with a caregiver who lives in the home and cooks, cleans, hands out medications, etc.  

Third, do you have a DNR?  This is a document that says that you do not want any efforts made to resuscitate you should your heart stop.  Do. Not. Resuscitate. Think about this one carefully, because sometimes the efforts to pull a person back from death can be worse.  Talk to a physician about it, if you need to.  Definitely make sure that you talk to your loved ones, so there's no brawls at the bedside.  

Then, do you have a will?  There are websites, books, etc., to help you with the language needed to write out your final wishes.  If you want to donate your coin collection to the Smithsonian, this is where you put that. My husband had all sorts of issues when his uncle passed because there was no will and all of these unknown relatives showed up when it came time to sell the house. Don't do that to your family.

Finally, funeral plans.   It is not morbid to think about this part of death.  It does not hurt to look online.  At least then you will have an idea about costs and other information to help you decide.  There are people out there who will take advantage of your family when they are grieving your passing; help them out by making a few decisions for them.  

Planning out these events while you are healthy will make sure that your wishes are clearly outlined and your family knows what you want in the event that you are no longer able to tell them.  Things happen when you get older.  Plan ahead.