Their loved one has been fighting, dammit.
I haven't met a single person out there who, when initially diagnosed with cancer, didn't want to fight. Everybody wants to fight. I wanted to fight. Every single mother looks at her children and wants to fight. Men hold their spouse's hand and vow to fight. We all sit down with our doctors, plan out our attack. No matter the disease, we all start out with our fists raised, ready to battle. We're focused on the goal, the prize of a healthy life shimmering in the distance.
And then...well, things just don't work out the way they're expected to.
Surgery doesn't work. Chemo is ineffective. Relapses occur. These huge bumps in the road wear us all down over time, and sometimes, it is just more than a body can deal with. Sometimes a person with an illness just can't fight anymore. Telling someone who is dying, who knows that they are dying, to "keep fighting", as if all it takes is sheer will? It's just cruel. Bodies are decimated, unrecognizable but for the spirit still flickering within. They've already given every single ounce of strength. Even if they still want to fight, they just can't, not anymore. They are just tired, they are in pain, and they want it to stop.
We need to respect that. We need to accept that. This is not the time to demand that a person keep fighting, no matter how much we need it. It might be the most difficult thing we ever do, keeping our thoughts to ourselves. We want to keep our loved ones with us, encircled in our arms, for as long as we can.
This isn't about you.
This is the time to stop thinking of your own needs, your own wants. Your loved one is tired, exhausted, worn away. They are also terrified. A long time ago, when a person died, they were buried with various treasures, gifts to take into the afterlife. Our compassion, our courage, our strength?
These are our gifts.
Excellent advice that can only truly be given by a survivor. So happy you are here with us to say what needs to be said. So glad that you have the writing chops to say it so well. :)
ReplyDeleteYou say so much so well. I've always been peeved with people making statements like this. There is so much of life is out of control such as your health. In this instance it is downright cruel to give advice and instructions. Patience is not a virtue so much as a survival balm from our shared ignorance at times.
ReplyDeleteI was fighting til I couldn't fight anymore. I was @ the end of treatment. I just couldn't handle any more needles or chemo or doctors. I opted out of Radiation because it would be 6 weeks of daily trips to MD ANDERSON and even though I could take the shuttle (worked @ UT Houston @ the time I just didn't have the mental and physical energy to do it anymore. It didn't help that I had no support @ home. My parents were in Austin.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of this. Not sure of your life story at the moment, so I hope you aren't currently going through this in some way, but.. I've been there. Sometimes, some people just have in, and that is perfectly okay.
ReplyDeleteWell said.
ReplyDeleteI think people, when faced with a hopelessness inside them, just don't know what to say. So it inevitable comes out wrong. Hope things are better with you, and if they are not, I will just offer hugs.
So spot on and well said! I know a few peoplw who need to hear this.
ReplyDeleteYes to all this. I found this passage to be especially powerful: "Everybody wants to fight. I wanted to fight. Every single mother looks at her children and wants to fight. Men hold their spouse's hand and vow to fight. We all sit down with our doctors, plan out our attack. No matter the disease, we all start out with our fists raised, ready to battle. We're focused on the goal, the prize of a healthy life shimmering in the distance." Acceptance doesn't erase a person's spirit. It strengthens their presence long after death.
ReplyDelete