The Upside of the Roller Coaster

I have eight chemo treatments to go.  Last week was difficult, but after another round of antibiotics with a side of steroids, I feel better.  I even ate a cheeseburger last night for dinner, not only because I was hungry for one, but because I was hungry. 

Hungry?  Yes.  I felt well enough to actually BE hungry, and the sores in my throat are healed.  It's been so long since I remember being hungry, instead of just having a bit of an appetite.  I suddenly wasn't sure what to do with that growling tummy.  There was a story in the paper yesterday about a demure hausfrau who polished off THREE 72oz steak dinners(with salad, bread, and loaded baked potatoes) in 20 minutes in a competitive eating contest.  Yesterday, I was hungry enough that, had I been willing to be seen within a 100 mile radius of Amarillo, I could have gone head to head with that woman.

The tapioca pudding in the fridge went uneaten and I went a little crazy.  Well, not too crazy.  I had salmon, and a salad, and eggs, and a banana, and toast, and a cheeseburger with two fries. Also, I ate some donuts, even though my best friend Michelle has warned me never to eat sugar, because I was feeling rather dangerous.  This morning I had toast, coffee, and shrimp, followed by a lunch of tilapia tacos, spinach queso, chips, and potato soup.  After each bite, I reveled in the taste, because that came back too.  I could taste the extra pepper on the tilapia, and I cried a little about that. 

Ultimately I gained two pounds from last week, instead of the scale moving the other way.  I'm okay with that.  My fingernails are still looking as though they are going to fall off, but the blisters on my hands are gone and the swelling is down enough that I could do some crochet while I had my chemo.  I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on the distracting meditative peace that comes from crocheting during this ordeal, until my fingers were giant sausages incapable of bending to the simplest knots.  I've got a little of my independence back! 

And I'm glad to be alive, and ready for the next 8 weeks, whatever comes.  I'm ready to fight again.