Just Tired

I'm out and about in the world while I go through chemo.  I go to work, I shop, etc., and try to keep my routine as consistent as possible.  There's comfort in a routine, in waking up at the same time every day, in knowing what's likely to happen for the next eight hours.  That is easier for me than sitting at home, where the only thing I end up thinking about is my cancer.  I need the distraction of real life. Everywhere I go, people ask me how I am doing.  My usual response to these inquiries has been to say "I'm okay, just tired."

Just tired.

What I really want to say is that I am beyond exhausted most days.  Fatigued. What I really want to say is that there are days that I don't even want to turn off the alarm in the morning, because I don't have the energy to lift my arm. What I really want to say is that some days it takes me three or four cups of coffee to feel awake enough to dress myself.  What I want to say is that after I drop my son off, I want to drive back home and crawl into bed and sleep the day away, ignoring all the deadlines and appointments and tasks that never seem to end.

I'm just tired.

Being around large groups of people drains every last bit of strength from my bone marrow. The thought of taking my son to a classmate's birthday party makes me want to crawl into a hole; I don't have the energy to navigate such a social event.  I am even too drained to even get angry when people yell at me; my brain almost doesn't even register that the volume has been turned up.  I've been getting compliments about how calm I am about everything.  It's not calm.  I just don't have the energy. 

I'm just tired.

I'm not depressed.  Depression and I are old friends.  We recognize and accept each other after all these years.  I'm not unhappy, beyond what would be expected for someone going through cancer.  I'm having panic attacks, but that's part of cancer too, I've learned.  Some days it takes every ounce of energy that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to go from point A to point B.  I have nothing left for anything else.  Those are bad days.

I'm just tired.

And now I am scared.  My chemo treatments have been every other week, which has allowed me to recover some sense of normalcy.  My energy level has come up significantly that second week, and that has been a blessing.  Unfortunately the next 12 weeks will be a weekly regimen, and I have no idea what is going to happen.  I will try to keep my spirits up and stay positive, but I admit that my fear of the unknown is weighing heavily.

So send some positive thoughts my way, if you can.