It was the first time that Zane had left the house for something other than a doctor visit since his birth, and since he had come home from the NICU. It was also the first time the three of us ever went anywhere not doctor-related as a family. It was Christmas Eve, and we went to my brother's house to celebrate and open presents.
Everyone was just itching to greet the newest member of our clan, and I was doing okay with allowing people to hold Zane without the use of gloves, masks, and hazmat suits. I had a beer and mingled. I was happy to be with my husband and son. I was happy to be out of the house. And yet...
Even though I had every reason in the world not to be depressed on this particular Christmas Eve, I was in a dark place. In my heart each December it is forty below. I am in a frozen cavern beneath a glacier, where everything is encased in ice and the only sound is the ice cracking as the glacier moves. My mental world each winter is a white wilderness, uninhabitable. I tried to fake it that year, and the result was tinged with a bit of hysteria.
I'm sure that no one noticed but me.
Oh dear friend, such was the ways of depression. Some of us became so good at hiding it, even those who were close to us could be oblivious to the mental battle that went on at any time in our heads.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping for better memories this coming Christmas. If only I could, picture me sending you lots of warmth this Holiday season :)
The metaphor of your heart being frozen and encased in ice is beautifully written, but heartbreaking to read. Depression is a hard battle to fight.
ReplyDeleteI hope the new brighter memories somehow make the more painful ones easier to take.
ReplyDeleteoh. from the looks of the photo, you do LOOK very happy!! your words of how you really felt inside... heartbreaking. i'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh my, this is so very poetically written. I love that you chose a photo of transition- first time out as a family of three and so on.
ReplyDeleteI can also appreciate the fact that you chose a photo that allowed you to unmask that chill.
I know that kind of cold- and am sending hot chocolate your way. :)
{I'm glad that you wrote this.}
You and my mother are both OCD about spelling...and I am my mother's daughter, so I will just say in perfectly spelled English that although you may be smiling, your truth is so very touching. I work in mental health and see so much depression this time of year. It saddens me to think of it. And how misunderstood it really is by those who don't suffer with it. Good luck and I hope this winter sees you with much less ice surrounding you. xo
ReplyDeleteI love that third paragraph. Conjures up some cold, desolate images. Wow. You couldn't tell it from looking at the photo. Hope this holiday season sees your spirit thawed. Those frozen tundras can be lonely.
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