Computer Wisdom

Most of what I know about computers is self-taught. I didn't major in computers or run off to get a piece of paper from Microsoft so I could feel superior to the multitude. I never bought any of the "Dummies" books. Except for the one about wine; but that was extremely important to my well-being at the time.

My computer education has occurred on the job, as I either sit in front of the screen pressing buttons and making threats until the machine does what I want, or I find a manual and reference the information.

Sometimes I shake my laptop as if it were an Etch-a-Sketch. Just kidding.

But I've noticed a couple of things along my path of learning, and I would like to share my wisdom with you. Some of this stuff could probably apply to life as well, but I won't get preachy.

In any office, the one who knows how to clear a paper jam out of the printer is automatically tagged as "tech support" and is the person of first resort any time ANYTHING vaguely resembling a technology device breaks down. Such as the digital clock

If one thing is wrong with a computer that two people use, it is always the other guy's fault. Especially if that person is not in the room. Oh, and that absent person also downloaded porn. And viruses.

If anyone asks, say that you read the manual. If this statement is contested, demand to be shown the page where the information is found. Be as snotty as possible, no matter what. Snotty people almost never get smacked upside the head with the manual.

If your 'ESC' key pops off your keyboard, this is a clear sign that you need a vacation if it happens before noon, or a margarita if it happens after. If the key pops off right at twelve noon on the dot, you can have both.

Technology geeks do not like anyone crying on their equipment. The computer kind, I mean. Not even tears of joy.

Ctrl-Alt-Del is your friend. I don't know what the equivalent of that is for Apple. Ctrl-Apple-?

If all else fails, and you must take your computer down into the bowels of your building to the REAL tech support people, remember that they won't make you fill out a work order if you bring doughnuts. Or a case of Dr. Pepper. Or a year's subscription to Xbox-Live. Cash would likely be acceptable, too.

When in doubt, reboot.