The Secret to a Happy Marriage, Part 4347

MamaKat's Prompt: A list of ten things you should never ask your spouse.

At some point over the past two years, I stated that the key to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms. I am not going to go find that post, because I am feeling lazy. I still stand by that statement, since I remain happily married.

There are other secrets to a successful marriage. One of those secrets is that honesty does NOT mean that you tell your spouse everything. There are some pieces of personal information that should never be spoken aloud in the interest of marital harmony, and there are some questions that should never be asked.

10. Should I call a plumber/electrician/whatever to take care of this?
I know that my husband is not a fix-it sort of guy, but he still likes to pretend. If I just call someone else I know to come and fix whatever is broken, Larry gets his feelings hurt. Never, never, ever let your spouse know that you think that he can't handle something, even if he can't. Guys like to think that they get to rescue you every now and then, even if it's just a clogged drain.

9. Are you going to wear that?
Before we married, my husband's mother bought all of his clothes. It made her happy, and my husband took the path of least resistance. I have the fashion sense of an iguana, but I could not help commenting that Larry was dressed like his father. That did NOT go over well; my comments were taken as aspersions upon his mother.

8. Why can't you be like____?
I've never personally said this sentence except in my head, because this is an epic fight starter. Nobody likes to be compared to someone else! Would Victoria Beckham compare David Beckham to Ashton Kutcher? Would Brad Pitt compare Angelina Jolie to Jennifer Anniston? Well, no, because it's freakin' Angelina Jolie. She's some sort of goddess with bad tattoos. But I've made my point.

7. How much did you pay for that?
When a woman asks her spouse this question, what she really wants to know is what sort of dent this purchase has made in her shoe budget, or in my case, my book budget. My husband wants expensive gadgets like blu-ray players, and he gets defensive about it and picks at my book buying. In the interest of keeping the peace, I just don't say anything.

6. Seriously, are you going to wear that?
I don't think that my husband is color blind, but he never used to look at his clothes. He would walk out of the house in mismatched items and never even notice. I noticed, however, and probably every woman in the tri-county area noticed. But if I mentioned the fashion faux pas, feelings were hurt. If it's not a terribly egregious mismatch, I just keep my mouth shut.

5. Does this make me look fat?
My husband is fond of saying that one should never ask a question if you do not want the answer. This is a perfect example. In fact, if you have to ask this question, the answer is YES.

4. Do you really need all those Star Wars/Lord of the Rings action figures?
Yes. He really does. Just like I need all of my stuff. A man's home is his castle, but he usually doesn't mind a few pink throw pillows as long as he has his stuff.

3. Have you seen the credit card statement?
Mentioning the credit card statement is a surefire way to get my husband to want to LOOK at the credit card statement. Then we fight over who made the most frivolous purchases. Good times.

2. Can you hurry up?
Women have a TON of things to do. In addition to working all day, they come home, fix dinner, clean up the dishes, do laundry, get the coffee ready, gather up whatever is needed for the next day, etc. This does not make me personally inclined to feel amorous. But refrain from letting your spouse know that you are thinking about whether you remembered to put bleach in with the whites when you are supposed to be getting your frisky on with him.

1. We need to talk.
Let's face it, when a woman says that to a man, it is almost never good. That sentence sets an ominous mood, and is counter productive to good communication! No matter the import of the conversation, leave that sentence out.

Did I miss any?