I Am Jealous of My Kid

My son fell asleep on me tonight. He was watching the Avengers, and he just. Could. Not. Stay. Awake. (I feel like I'm impersonating William Shatner when I do that thing with the periods. Gettin' my geek on!)

Now he is flat on his back in his bed, his arms flung hither and yon. He's out, dreaming of reciting the Green Lantern code with Hal Jordan. Actually, that is what my husband dreams about. I don't know what Zane dreams about, because he can't tell me yet.

My point is that I am envious that my boy seems to sleep so peacefully. I haven't slept peacefully in years. I usually have to use sleep aids, such as melatonin. I don't ever remember just getting into bed and falling asleep quickly. Zane gets still and he's out. I'm jealous. Sometimes I get so jealous that I want to wake him up just so he can know how I feel. I don't actually wake him up...but I do think about it.

It isn't fair, and sometimes I have to wallow in the Trough of Self-Pity.

I get up early.

I work hard.

I tote that barge and lift that bale, whatever that means.

I should be able to fall asleep quickly, without resorting to valerian root.

Instead, I usually lay there, wide awake, looking at the ceiling, thinking about how many cobwebs are up there.

I make lists.

I compose bad poetry.

I make up entire novels in my head, then convert them to screenplays.

I make lists.

Yeah, I said that twice. Because at that point of the night I have forgotten that I already made lists, so I have to start over.

All of this explains why I resort to sleep aids, including yoga, visual imagery, meditative breathing, etc.

Just because I get jealous of my child with his peaceful sleeping does not mean that I don't want him to have peaceful sleep. Quite the opposite. He is a young child, he is innocent until proven guilty, and he needs his sleep. He'll be an adult before I know it, facing his own occasional sleepless nights. Let him sleep.

But it would be nice if occasionally my son could share some of that sleep with me.