I was going to be a Mama. I knew this in my bones when I was just an itty-bitty. This thought was granite in my heart, unchanging over the years. I would be Mama to as many little boys and girls as I could, and we would live happily ever after.
There was only one time that I lost faith in that Dream of Mama. That was on December 8, 2003, when I miscarried at nineteen weeks. A beautiful, perfectly formed girl that I had already named Zoe, because that name means life. In another cruel twist, my daughter, whose name means life, almost took me with her.
As I recovered, my Dream of Mama seemed to be nothing but ashes covering me and my whole world. All was gray, for I had fallen into shadow.
But that Dream of Mama was not dead. It was still whispering to me, still written in my heart. The ashes in my life blew away and faith in the Dream of Mama was somehow renewed. Much would be required of me this time, and much could go wrong for this Dream of Mama. Somehow I knew this pregnancy would be successful, and it was. Well, until two days short of 32 weeks, when both Zane and I almost died again. But the Dream of Mama was not to be denied, but fulfilled. And now I have my beautiful child, my boy. My Dream of Mama came true.
Would I love to have more than one child? Yes, I would. Very much. But my body will not survive another pregnancy, somehow I know this. It's not likely that someone will give me a child, either. So I just have to learn to accept it. Because I truly am happy with what I have: a loving husband, a ridiculously healthy and happy son, and a family that is there when it counts. All I need is to win the lottery and then I am set!
When I was younger, I would be fascinated by pregnant bellies, I would imagine one day being pregnant, my belly full of dreams.
Now that I am wiser, on this Mother's day, pregnant bellies make me think of who I've lost...and who I have gained. My life is richer now that my Dream of Mama came true.
Okay, I am sitting here bawling my fool head off, so I am going to stop all this for now. I promise to try and be funny tomorrow.
Happy Mother's Day.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that people will ask if you'll have another child while the one is small but will stop after he starts school. (Thank God, because it's one of the most painful questions I ever heard.)
Happy Mother's Day!
I am OCD also so I always try to spell correctly. Happy Mother's Day! What a sad road you have traveled to get there.
ReplyDeleteI am a new visitor and follower via crazed fan.
http://www.doreenmcgettigan.com
this was so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart with us! You are truly blessed....I always thought I would be the Mom of 4 boys...I "knew" it too...but...."we plan and God laughs" I have no children, I have to "bonus" daughters that are my husbands but they are grown women. I spent my 20s, 30s and yes I am embarrassed to say 40s....making foolish choices and as they say my "clock ran out"....it wasn't in the cards. I do enjoy every one else's children so much and admire the superb job that so many of you do!
ReplyDeleteHAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
Such a beautiful post. (You made me cry too!)
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's Day dollface!
Happy Mother's Day Tina! (((((GIANT HUGS)))))
ReplyDeleteIs this the first time you've written about Zoe?